Vapid Response
As CNN continues to see decline in both reputation and ratings, one starts to wonder just how far they can sink. On last night's "Daily Show," Jon Stewart gleefully played the tape of a CNN correspondent having himself zapped with 50,000 volts from a "shock belt." His response, after crumpling to the ground: "It hurts."

Stewart aired the clip to illustrate just how inane and stunt-driven the once-respected news network has become. At CNN world headquarters, however, the piece was considered a huge success, as the network looks to compete more successfully with rival Fox by moving toward "emotionally gripping, character-driven narratives pegged to recent events." as the New York Times reports.

This wouldn't bother me all that much, except that my gym always has CNN on one of the monitors and it's already painful enough to catch the occasional glimpse of the stunningly banal Paula Zahn or utterly idiotic Larry King. Aaron Brown, who follows King in the 10pm hour, isn't quite as bad; the Times article telegraphs pretty clearly that he's the most likely to be dismissed under Jonathan Klein, CNN's fifth news director in the last four years.

The story also notes that Klein won't look to counter Fox in what might seem the obvious way: running commentary to counter the right-wing screechers on Rupert Murdoch's network.

In an effort to narrow the gap with Fox at night, Mr. Klein has ruled out one obvious option: he will not, he says, turn CNN's prime-time lineup into a liberal counterpunch to Fox's opinion-driven programming, which draws a heavily conservative audience. "It's much better to be right down the middle," Mr. Klein said in an interview. "Moderates are our sweet spot."

How's that working out for you, fellas? Fox will rip you, and all non-right wing yakkers, as liberals anyway; you might as well offer something spicy and compelling. MSNBC's short-lived Phil Donahue show was the network's highest-rated program, though the suits pulled it after just six months. And Air America (for all my problems with it) seems to be more than holding its own on the radio side.

For a more thorough exploration of what "emotionally gripping" means in terms of programming, check out this funny but depressing New Republic piece about Ashley Smith, the young Georgia woman who helped lead to the capture of courthouse shooter Brian Nichols:

Prostitution is legalized in two places in America: in Nevada and on the airwaves. One of the biggest whorehouses is CNN (you don't expect integrity from Fox), which swung into action. The print media kept its cool and reported what seemed like Smith's remarkable grace under pressure with equal composure and reported her hints that she was an angel sent by God--Nichols himself told her, she assured reporters, who repeated it again and again, like a character reference--with skeptical detachment. In the newspapers, her narrative of sin and redemption was the story told by a hostage about how she saved herself. On television, it was the reason why she was saved. CNN proceeded to thrust before the cameras evangelical pastors, ministers, and even a rabbi claiming that Smith's use of Christian sentiments to save her life was proof of God's grace and divine intervention.

Never mind that Nichols himself had gone to a Catholic school and had been a religious man, very active in his local church, where he played the organ. Paula Zahn, the Xaviera Hollander of this particular story, blathered on about The Purpose Driven Life as if it had caused her own conversion: "Those who have used the book in their churches aren't surprised that it resonated with Brian Nichols." Since Nichols had seemed to come to Christ, as they say, long before he encountered Smith, how, exactly, did this book resonate with him in a way that his education and his involvement in his church didn't? And how did Zahn know that the Christian self-help book worked a transformation on Nichols in the first place? He never said that it did; he is under lock and key and hasn't said anything to anyone about what happened between him and Smith.

But that didn't stop Aaron Brown and Zahn from going straight to the source: Rick Warren, the author of The Purpose Driven Life. Warren was in Africa--where, coincidentally, Brian Nichols's mother was at the same time, working for the Tanzanian government--but he issued a statement: "I understand Ms. Smith shared a portion [of the book] with Mr. Nichols, which seemed to have a positive impact on his life"--"positive" in this instance meaning, not raping, torturing, or killing Ashley Smith. Reverend Frank Page, who presented himself as Ashley Smith's pastor and spiritual adviser and was going forth and multiplying himself on every news show in creation, told a linguistically bold Soledad O'Brien ("...do you think it's sort of a greater power at work in this sort of thing?") that Smith's encounter with Nichols was "part of God's plan." O'Brien nodded and smiled and looked serious and concerned all at once and seemed just on the verge of asking Reverend Page if it was also part of God's plan to someday allow her to make just one honest facial expression when the segment came to an end.

On her show, Zahn endorsed the idea of a benevolent orchestration of four murders leading to many blessed hours and days of crowd-pleasing coverage like this: "For those who believe God works in mysterious ways, Ashley Smith and Brian Nichols will long remain a case in point, but the legions of those who have been touched by Rick Warren's teachings will not be surprised." This wasn't really a cynical attempt to appeal to the Christian right, who we are told now have the country's destiny in their hands and must be courted. It was an attempt to win the viewership of some of those "legions" who read Warren's book--a delicious demographic of 20 million. But Zahn was taking no chances. Just in case the religious angle was insufficient to win new legions to the network, she threw in someone named Eric Christiansen, who had been saved by reading Warren's book from an addiction to ... porn. That's what Smith's grandfather, who declared on television that Ashley had "hit a home run for Jesus," might have called covering all the bases.

One effect of the media's endorsement of this evangelical fantasy was to make the murder of four people inconsequential, or at least incidental to the happy unfolding of this story, which now included four possible book deals, a movie project, and a job offer from a hostage-negotiation firm for Ashley Smith, who was, some reporters speculated, being told to stay off the news shows lest she become overexposed and jeopardize the publishing possibilities.

Maybe the truly significant outcome of the 2004 election wasn't political, but cultural. In case anyone's forgotten, religion seems to be big business; in the last two weeks, Time and Newsweek have both done cover stories on Mary and Jesus, respectively. Yeah, I know it's Easter, but they did the same thing last Christmas. Are we now moving into an age where all the media conglomerates--remember, CNN is to Time as MSNBC is to Newsweek--go to full-time pandering to those "20 million"?

Isn't there any actual, um, news to report?